Tears And Rain
by sadevesi
Summary: A song-fic based on the anime's rooftop scene. L's angsty and Light's a moron. Nothing too original, just some LightxL to pass time.


**A/N:** LightxL, the rooftop scene from the anime with my own additions :) L's desperately in love and disgusted with it and Light is just the asshole he is. In other words, just normal not-so-fluffy shit :) nothing to original. I wrote this because of the song.

Sorry, no lemons, though I almost went there. I'm just not comfortable writing it. Maybe I might do it someday if I start to feel more confident about my writing (~ never). If there would have been lemons there would also have been an angsty love-confession-scene which I so much wanted to write! But yeah, maybe in another fic.

**Disclaimer:** I own neither the song nor _the Death Note_. You all know to whom DN belongs to and I guess you also know what song I used, but anyways: the song is called _"Tears And Rain"_ by _James Blunt_.

* * *

**Tears And Rain**

_  
How I wish I could surrender my soul;  
Shed the clothes that become my skin;  
See the liar that burns within my needing.  
How I wish I'd chosen darkness from cold.  
How I wish I had screamed out loud,  
Instead I've found no meaning._

I had no idea how long I had been standing on the rooftop. It didn't seem so long, but then again, when I first came here, the sky wasn't pouring down as if it was the last day on earth. However, I didn't actually mind. It hided my ah-so-shameful tears so well, I was rather thankful. Besides, the rain was refreshing and had a pure sense in it, though I knew it was as polluted as my once so clear mind now was. I didn't mind, because it was the truth; dirty, raw and cold, but truth none the less. The only one of those I had heard since… since, I didn't have the faintest idea when.

Somehow I had become tangled up in this mess of word-games and half-truths. Wearing these same filthy clothes, I used to love so much; wearing the great mask of justice disguising my so clearly apparent flaws. Great lies with one meaningless life dropped in between. Lies of his and lies of mine, which from even I couldn't tell the right and wrong anymore.

Because one truth I ever had, I never told.

Even this appearance of mine wasn't me anymore; it was an illusion which had now grown wrong. It was more than I ever was and yet so much less. My clean but stretched shit had now more stains in it than I was able to bear. I wasn't objective anymore, I was contaminated and I had compromised everything. My shirt was not a pure little boy's shirt anymore. It was just my shirt. And I, of all the people, should have been able to stay clean. If not for myself then even for the little wisdom Watari taught me when I first came to Whammy's: some stains cannot be removed. There was an ending to that sentence, too, but it wasn't relevant since the truth was there already: some stains stuck with you better than others. Watari had said, the stains told about life and it was okay to have them, but I never liked the stains. I preferred to be untouchable but it seemed even that had been taken away from me. So, now I was dirty, beaten and broken. _Oh, when did everything start going so wrong?_

It was so wrong to be right in the matter of lies of this sort. Love shouldn't ever be a lie.

And those tears were burning on my cheeks because I was never the one to play this sort of game. Now all left was pain; the hurt of being in love and the hurt of being alone. Not that I would have cared about loneliness before. I had had Watari who was more to me than I ever imagined asking; more than I ever needed to ask. But once everything was given, once _he_ lurked his way in my mind, the only thing reminding under words, whispers and passion, was pain. There was no place, no time and, most importantly, no truth, for us.

I should have known better. I had seen it too many times before, in too many crimes.

I ought to be smarter than that, but apparently even I wasn't. So, for that reason and many others, I needed to leave. I had already been here for too long and I couldn't afford to what I had become. I couldn't afford to truly have a heart. The game had already been set and played; now it was only a matter of final words.

Would he kill me or would I have time to break my heart myself?

_  
I guess it's time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain,  
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.  
Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray.  
I've heard what they say, but I'm not here for trouble.  
It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain.  
_

I knew he was there before he made his presence known.

I heard what he said, regardless I pretended otherwise. I wanted him to be with me, even if it was just for a moment. I wanted him to stand in the rain with me and realize the same fact I had noticed a time ago; the rain, as gray as it might be, was purer than us.

But somehow I doubted he would see it. Smart as he was, he never seemed to spot the flaws in himself. Not even when they were screaming back at him from the mirror standing right in front of him. It was actually quite a shame, since denying the mistakes rarely led to progress. He could have been something great.

I told him about the bells. They weren't his bells so I wasn't surprised of the misunderstanding. They were never his, because I never told him.

I never told him a lot of things.

He tired to light up my mood, even thought it was a pretty sad try. Still, I had to give him credit for even putting an effort on it. It wasn't as though he would have really cared anyways. I was just a tool, an obstacle, and he was just playing the little game of ours. I tired not to care, too, but it was hard since I was tired of playing and I finally needed some honesty; I finally felt honest.

"Tell me, Light, from the moment you were born, was there ever a point when you actually told the truth?"

And he answered just as I thought he would. Not the truth and not a lie. And it told me far more than a simple lie would have. But I hadn't expected simplicity, because he never lied like that; not straight and un-embellished. He preferred to work it up a bit and make himself sound precisely as smart as he was. A curse of the blessing: arrogance.

"I had a feeling you'd say something like that," I admitted, not bothering to say more. You would never be honest with me and I knew it despite I hoped otherwise. "Let's go back inside. We're both drenched."

_  
How I wish I could walk through the doors of my mind;  
Hold memory close at hand,  
Help me understand the years.  
How I wish I could choose between Heaven and Hell.  
How I wish I would save__ my soul.  
I'm so cold from fear  
_

He looked so handsome while desiccating himself. His body stretched on the stairs, wet shirt adhering on his chest, half-wet hair falling down (and up) exactly right way messy. _Oh, what harm would it do to just slide few steps upper and kiss him?_ After all, it wasn't as if we hadn't kissed before and I needed a reaction out of him more than anything. I had played so long, trying to act as though he never affected me, trying to go along with our agreement, which broke my heart piece by piece. That's why I was never too forward in our so-called relationship. I was never the one to make an initiative. So, what if I just went and kissed him like he used to did to me? Would he laugh and remind he still didn't like me; remind, I was too freak to be liked?

I would probably just make a fool out of myself once again.

"It'll be all you wanted," muttered while massaging his feet. I didn't actually mean to, but it slipped out. Guess, some part of me wanted him to know.

But he didn't understand.

"You and I will be parting ways soon." _'Either you'll kill me or I'm going to leave anyways, since the task force is really no use to me anymore and I have to work another way to catch you without you messing with my head. However; you'll get rid of me, like you wanted.'_

I didn't say it out loud but I knew he got it. I saw it in his eyes and by the time I also knew, it would be me dying, not leaving. _Well, thank you. I love you, too._

With that thought, the pain shot through my heart again and I tried my best not to look at him. The rain was gone; the tears weren't allowed and the tears were already cried. I brought this on myself, there was no one else to blame. He had made it quite clear a long time ago, he wanted nothing more from me than a _'temporary complacency for the sexual frustration, brought to him by my investigation tactics' _as he so kindly informed me after taking the kinds of things from me, I barely knew I even had: my heart and my body.

And I accepted because that was all I could ask for. It was all a lie, but there was nothing I could do about it; it didn't change the truth. It wasn't just frustration he was seeking to propitiate. It was also curiosity: a sent of a game and a chance to show me of; a chance to break me, to win me. I knew this and yet I accepted, because I it was the best I ever had; the best I seemed to deserve. I accepted to hide the fact that I had feelings, that I was a human, too. To hide the fact, I needed him.

Maybe it was my fault. Maybe I just wasn't allowed to be happy or even to love, for all it matters. I should have realized it a small forever ago that if your own mother couldn't love you, it shouldn't be expected of anyone else either. Watari had just made a pretty god job convincing me otherwise, but I knew it was all just to make me feel better. Watari wasn't right.

My cell-phone rang, saving me from looking up at Light. It was Watari calling about the arrangements I had asked him to make. And we needed to go.

"Come on, let's go Light. It seems it's all worked out." As it had been a while. Now the only question reminding was, which one of us was going to get there first.

I started walking and heard him lifting up behind me. Closing my eyes I fought the urge to stop and kiss him. If I was going to die in near future that was something I would really have liked to do for one last time: to press his strong body against the wall and force him to feel what I felt. At least for a second or two, I would have him like he had me an eternity ago. Or he could just take me, as he seemed to prefer, I didn't actually care, as long as I would even get to touch him; feel his body against mine again. Feel safe in the place I most certainly shouldn't. Feel anything to shed the pain away that had been crawling in me for so long now. Shed the thoughts away and feel him, breathe him, love him.

"Light," I uttered silently when we got closer the elevators. I didn't know what I was about to say; ask him to kiss me? Never would I lapse so low. Never would I admit it to him.

"Yes, Ryuzaki?"

I kept walking without a word. This wasn't like me. I wasn't like me.

When we finally reached the elevators I didn't push the button. I didn't want to go downstairs and face all the people. I never liked people.

I turned to Light who looked at me confused. "Ryuzaki, what's wrong?"

I could do nothing but gaze at him, not sure how to answer, as he stepped closer with a smirk. I wanted to scream, not for the first time today.

But that wasn't all I wanted, so I looked away to save myself one last time.

Apparently, he wasn't so much into saving-business as he ought to be, at least when it came to me. His hand felt smooth and stable as he slowly lifted my jaw up, smiling sweeter and deadlier than ever.

"Oh, you're so sweet," he laughed carelessly. _So easy_, he meant.

I didn't stop him when he pressed his demanding lips softly against mine and pushed me on the wall exactly the way I had pictured myself doing to him a minute ago. He didn't bother to hold his distance as he made the sensation rush through my veins, hard and quick. His body was pressing mine, his tongue sliding in my mouth, his hands up in my hair, down on my waist, under my shirt. I couldn't help closing my eyes and gasping as my heart ran ahead of my head. The heat was taking over the compulsion of my body and everything was gone again. I was lost. I had lost.

"This what you wanted, right?" he smirked against my lips as I enfolded my hands around his neck for a support. Deadly.

Pleasure. His hips rocking against mine. Lips, neck, gasp, lick. Pressing the heartbeat up and the cries I tried so hard to keep inside. Pinning me up on the wall, ready to give all, take all.

My mind, my body, my soul. All his.

He set his thigh between my legs teasing the apparent bulge in my pants caused by his recent actions. He leaned slightly backwards, letting my lips desperately follow his, and he smiled like a winner.

"You know, we could just drop by in your floor quickly if you want this so bad," he grinned finally reaching for the elevator's button.

He was still close to me and I was still panting, though now my thoughts ran more clearly. I knew he wasn't done messing with me, humiliating me. It would be a prize for the winner. _Congratulations, here, I give you my heart._

I felt the pain stabbing back at me as a revenge for forgetting and even considering options. I had no options.

"No. No, I want nothing. We should just go. They are waiting," I muttered under my breath.

"Are you sure?" He teased letting his hand drop on my pants. I flinched as the blood started running in my veins again. "Your body is strongly disagreeing with you."

A kiss: his hot lips curving slowly on mines, licking slowly their way into my brain and his hand… _oh, god, his hand_.

"Well, guess I could take you right here, too. Is that what you want?"

His whisper tingled in my ear, made me gasp.

"No," I managed. _Wasn't this just what I wanted a minute ago?_ Gosh, it was different to dream than really let him embarrass me again.

And the elevator blinged to inform its arriving. Was it ironic to say 'saved by the bell' considering my thoughts of the bells half an hour ago in the rain? The thoughts about the bells I heard the first time I felt I had a place I belonged to: the first time I was brought at Whammy's. And why had I thought about them now? I most certainly didn't have any illusion of belonging here with you, did I? Maybe it was just as I had thought before: not the wedding, the funeral. This was the end, and maybe there was just some corn symbolism in the bells in general: used to bring joy and misery, salvation and sorrow.

But the elevator would be neither my salvation nor savior. Not before we would have passed my floor and be safely heading towards the task force.

"Light we can't. Watari becomes suspicious if I'm not there in few minutes," I tried helplessly aware of the fact I was losing it. I had even admitted it, made an admission. I had basically said what a lying husband would say to his wife after just having sex with another woman. That had been an 'I don't wanna say no, but I have to make up an excuse'. And it was way too easy to talk as fragile statement as that over.

Regardless of my refusal he pushed the button which would lead us to my floor. As an answer to that, I pushed the task force floor and he laughed whole-heartedly, as though I would have said something funny.

"They will have their own little mystery to solve as the elevator arrives alone."

"I'm sure, they will not have anything to solve, except the Kira-case."

"Oh, you think so?" He locked his fingers around my wrists and made me back up against the mirror. Not kissing but teasing; teasing with his every fiber. His right hand left my wrist and caressed the soft material of my shirt as he traced the line up from my fingers to my neck. "You'll have quite a mark in here." He hissed rubbing the skin just under my earlobe. He leaned forward and sucked the place his hand had been. I couldn't hold back the moan he caused. He knew I couldn't and he pointed that out with a soft laugh. Slowly he tipped his tongue out and started licking the spot, making my body go limp. His teeth, lips and tongue all moving persuasively along the jaw line as the elevator made its first stop. He nuzzled the back of my ear and I squeezed my hands in a mild attempt to hold some sort of control over myself.

"Well…" a whisper in my ear sent ripples down my spine and an unwilling moan parted my lips, as his hand caressed the filmy skin right above my jeans. "You coming?" His fingers slipped to take a hold on my jeans waist-line – "or do I have to take care of myself alone?" – and he pulled me out of the elevator with him.

There was ever nothing I could have done. I never wanted anyone else but him.

And it was killing me.

_  
Far, far away; find comfort in pain,  
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.  
It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain.  
_

* * *

**A/N2:** Hahaa. Done. Even though I'm not necessarily proud of this piece, I'm just tired of staring at it and thinking it's not what I wanted it to be, so maybe it is good enough to give me a peace of mind. This was just something going on and on in my head, so I had to get it out :)

Soo, whatdoyouthink, whatdoyouthink?! I live from reviews.


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